i think i cant really help it. i cant help that when everytime i have something to post its incredibly sappy. or its some life lesson that i am wanting, have wanted, or trying to tell myself and drill it into me. that how it all works out. the best way to learn. is to get scolded. pick yourself up. and try again.
today. was a shitty day. the worst monday that i could ever remember. insecure. tired. lack of ambition. (selfish or otherwise). lack of motivation. drive and purpose. just content to let the world tick by. as the hours counted down to my release from the prison of my workplace.
but shitty days. when you mind runs amok. and you have no control of what you're thinking. doing and everything else. in the darkness a light can be seen easily. just like to thank a certain someone. for making my day more then just bearable (and even laughing at my own. obvious. stupidity and foolishness.)
age doesn't matter. it never did.:) thanks yo.
here we go.
to no one in particular:
monday mornings suck. haha. esp after such a brilliant and nice long weekend thanks to good friday. it never seemed like this day would come. i'm not the worse off i would admit, i don't have tests to face, trainings to go for, or even tough deadlines to meet. i come to office, sit in front of my laptop, and battle with what i have to do for the week.
not that i don't have battles to fight. daily i do. against the forces of flesh and mind, the desires to learn more is just being stifled by pure laziness at times, but most of the time, its just distraction. i just wonder what others are up to while i'm stuck at the office, and being out and alone in the office for long periods of time have just made me forget how relatively absent-minded one can get when one gets busy doing something, how an hour crawls by like a slug when you're like me stuck in the office, when a half on the soccer pitch just seems to whiz by. (times like that, are never enough yo.)
am just beginning my prep for this friday's ag. about meaning and purpose. typical stuff that one would battle with but never really get down under. stuff so pertinent and important and in our face but yet we choose (blatantly) to sweep it under the carpet. be happy about it. and pretend it never even existed.
'vanity of vanities. all is vanity.' sayeth the preacher.
our priorities in life. what we seek out for. is it all vanity? talking in the wind and all that. surely not. if not our daily chase for grades, purpose and meaning suddenly loses its drive, like a race car running out of petrol, stuttering to a stop. girls, suppers, soccer matches, driving around, getting a degree, marriage, houses. (i'm getting zzz) all seems just rather exciting to me at this present point in time. maybe i'm 20. when i'm 50 (or end of my life like the Preacher was), i don't know if i'd be saying the same things. or hopefully by then, i would have already reached the stage of peace in my life. calm assurance. and total faith in things which are to come to past. [not that i don't already attribute my trials, missed chances, trips, falls, and everything bad to His will for me. but you know. i just wonder why it just has to suck so bad sometimes. or maybe. i just think too much.] wisdom bringeth sorrow. hah.
ecc1:18 For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.
no wonder when we want to engulf ourselves in sorrow. we just plunge into our books. unhealthy escape. for unhealthy problems. just a morbid thought=)
'the chief end of man is to glorify God by enjoying Him forever' quote John Piper.
maybe its the happenings of the weekends. maybe its the reading up of ecclesiastes/prep for ag about issues as heavy as meaning and purpose. maybe its the girls. maybe its just me. maybe maybe. maybe.
i need a good break. chiangmai. soccer. people. save my soul.
be my escape.
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